A Ménage à trois

There is something I realized, that has presented itself in a way that would seem like an epiphany. Yet after all these years I still refuse. Last night I had a dream, (what a way to start huh?) for real though, I had a dream. I was looking at a movie, not sure how the movie ended because I woke up, but I do remember that it was a good movie.

The whole reason for me mentioning this, is that I have a lot of dreams like this. It’s like I have my own movie theater in my head. So when I sleep, the lights are dimmed, the seat is comfy and the show begins. Sometimes I remember the movie, sometimes I forget, sometimes I’m even in the movies, but mostly I watch. So why is it that I do not write some of these blockbusters down? Well as you can tell by my blog, I am not that big on writing or typing anything down. It takes a lot for me to get inspired to write, I basically have to be pushed in. And so PUSH!!! Here I go.

This epiphany has nothing to do with me. The sudden realization is, that my wife of 13 years is having an affair. This affair has been going on long before we met and doesn’t look like it’s going to end either. I feel like there’s nothing I can do but observe from afar. I know it sounds perverted, but what else is there? I love her. I only want the best for her. If only I could find a way to pull her hands away from him, to gently place my hand on her chin and tilt her head so as to see only me. I feel as if there is no hope for me.

Unless… what if I were to involve myself? What if, I was to convince her that, even though I have found out, it’s ok, and then instead of watching, join in? Become a part of what takes her away from me, so that I can understand her needs, her desire, her love. I know I have what it would take to be involved but the question is, will she let me in. will she let me into that part of her life that steals her soul away to a place of ecstasy and satisfaction?

And the journey begins. I will no longer stand aside and watch my wife go to places that only she can see. I will no longer stare at her in hopes she will return. I will no longer hold her only to see how much she thinks of him. I will involve myself! I will become a writer! I will write every day even if it’s simply to inscribe the feeling of my moment.

So that when you see us you will know that we are involved in a ménage à trois of sadistic satire, a lamentation of loss, and a surreal life of literature that has a look beyond infinity. One day, if I try hard enough, she will let me in, and when this happens my dreams will come true. The movies in my head will find a place, and I for my part, will be in mine.