Its going to rain!!

My mom use to say that if you did something you haven’t done in a long time, or accomplished something that no one thought you could do then it would rain. Well mom, two things will bring rain very soon. One is the changing of the seasons, and the other, well I’m back to writing my blog! It’s been a whole year since I’ve written anything in my blog and boy what a year it’s been. Where should I start? Hmm, I know how about me losing 90 lbs.!! that’s right! Since the day I turned 40 and wrote the blog about how I needed to make changes in my life, the first change was my weight. I began by run/walking around 2 miles, once I could run the 2 miles non-stop, then I went on to 4 miles, until now, I now can run 8 miles no problem! And even though I’ve gained a few pounds back, I now know what I have to do to lose that weight, RUN! And that’s just what I’ll do.

I was 320lbs. and now I weigh 235lbs. I will never let myself get that heavy again. I still can’t believe the things I can do now, like tying my shoes without losing my breath, not sweating as much just standing around on a hot day, and need I say anything about using the restroom?!?? Well let’s just say that there are no more problems there either. I still wear my old belt (size 50) I have made 3 holes in it since, and even though it look hilarious on me half way around my waist, I will wear it until I no longer can. It helps remind me of how much weight I’ve lost and keeps me honest with myself. We all know how easy it is to gain weigh back, and when I have to move that belt one notch over it motivates me to get that notch back.

Another thing about losing all that weigh is that I still need new clothes. None of my pants fit, and my shirts look too big for me. It’s like I’m waiting for my clothes to shrink up so that they fit or something. I need to buy new clothes, but one thing keeps holding me back, a challenge that I gave myself when I started this weight loss venture. I said when I lost 100lbs. I would buy new clothes. So, I’ve lost 90 almost 3 months ago! Why can’t I get that last 10 pounds!! Not sure why but I will definitely keep to my word and lose that 100 pounds before I buy new clothes. And so baggy pants and oversized shirts it is for now, maybe I’ll start a new fad? Nah, who would dress like that and think it looks good?

As far as my other changes in my life this past year, well you will have to wait till my next blog. Which I promise will not take a year. There is way too much to talk about! Oh and mom…look out because it’s not just going to rain, it’s going to storm!!

JUST DO IT

The truth is, is that if I feel I have to do something, I don’t do it. I have to want to do it in order to do it. No NIKE cliché of “JUST DO IT” happens here, and for some crazy reason I can’t make myself “JUST DO IT”! I have to feel needed, or as if I’m doing someone a favor, rather than doing things just for me. So how is it that I can get the “have to”, the “need to”, and the “favor” to become the “want to”?

I have no answer for any of this. There are so many things I want to do, but never do. I know that I can, I know how to, but alas I don’t do it. For instance, I want to lose weight, correction, I need to lose weight. For many reasons this weight has to come off, health, children, and most important my clothes are getting really tight! I don’t want to buy new clothes, I still have fairly new clothes that I just blew right by in my weight gain process, and if I were to just lose SOME weight, I would fit right in them and have some good pants to wear. Heck I have even lost weight in the past.

A year ago I lost 40 pounds!! I felt great, looked good, and was very pleased with myself, a little too pleased, and then it happened. Like an old annoying friend that you thought you got rid of by, not calling him, not inviting him to parties, not accepting his constant barrages of friend request on Facebook. A moment of weakness presents itself and there he is!! Calling every day to tell you how he was “the man” on the basketball court, posting on Facebook why haven’t you POKED him back! For all your friends to read. Always there at the most inopportune time. To the point that, his calls aren’t that bad, you finally poke him back just to shut him up, and before you know it, you're back in those BIG BOY pants you swore you would never wear again!! UGHHH!!

That’s what you hate about him, it’s that he lets you know that you are week! So I’ll try again, but now it’s not with that same enthusiasm, it’s more like now I know I can’t follow through, just try again only to fail. Very pessimistically, and un-encouraged. It’s the same for most of the things I do in life and writing is no different. I’ll write for a while, do great a short period of time and then I’m reminded of who I am. Someone who starts and never finishes. The weak minded person that I am, the cup always half empty, the pessimistic.

You know, it’s not all that bad, and I’m not really that down on myself as my writing would leave you to believe. It’s mostly for dramatic affect and makes for good reading. The truth is that I have but very few regrets in my life. I have three wonderful children, a successful wife, a roof over my head, and many more blessing from God that I give thanks for everyday. I just wish that, as I travel down the roads that I do, there were small signs that read “we need you to” or “I need your help”, maybe then it would make me “want to”, and not “Just do it”, but to “JUST KEEP DOING IT”!

Summer Wind

There’s a song that really describes how summer should be. Yeah I’m a little old fashioned, but I really like this song. It’s a song made famous by Frank Sinatra and is titled “Summer Wind.” Yes I am aware that some may interpret this song as a love kindled during the summer. For me, my interpretation, it’s a love of summer, in hopes of never ending, but the reality of it coming to an end is inevitable. But as I said it describes how summer should be. The truth is that I live in Texas, and summer in Texas is HOT! And there is not much wind either. So why title my blog “Summer Wind?” Well because summer is a time that in my life has always meant a lot to me.

When I was young, summer meant no school! And going outside to play, ride bikes, and hanging out with friends. On one of those memorable summers, we built box cars. We used an old lawn mower and big wheel tires, a seat from a big wheel, wood, and rope tied from the right front tire to the left front tire to steer. It was the best time and the best box car in the neighborhood! At least until our cousin came over to claim his big wheel seat for his box car. Although it wasn’t his, he made a big enough stink to my father, that our dad came over and ripped the seat off our box car and gave it to him!! Our father, (the great diplomat that he is) told us that our cousin was less fortunate and that we should be glad we had what we had. What? A box car with NO SEAT? Because that’s all I could think, at the time, never mind the fact that around 10 years later he would be addicted to cocaine, and the rest of his life a constant struggle that he would eventually loose. Despite the premature death of my cousin, who I miss a lot, that summer, was one I’ll never forget.

As a teenager summer was taken to a new level. I still enjoyed no school, hanging with friends, and riding my bike, but now came the freedom of being a little older and abusing the trust that our parents gave us. Oh and did I mention a newly found interest, GIRLS? How did we meet girls if the only place to meet them was in school, and school was out for summer you might ask? ASTROWORLD! Yes! As a young teen you would work hard doing chores and earning money during the school year to buy that much coveted season pass! Those who couldn’t obtain a pass would be made fun of the next school year, so now you could see how important the pass was. For me earning sixty five dollars was quite the challenge, and when I would come up short, my dad was always there to help. Of course there was a lecture to endure before said money was paid, but merely a formality in the great scheme of things.

Here is where my fondest memory of summer takes place as a teen, ASTROWORLD, and yes a girl is involved. We met early that day in the Nottingham Village arcade I actually was dared by my brother to go and say hi. We talked and played video games for a while then walked around the park. Every once in a while we’d see my brothers smiling and saying things about us. What they had to say? I didn’t ask and didn’t really care. We kissed, not sure if it was by the Gunslinger or the XLR8, (cut me some slack we are talking about 26 years ago!) but I do remember the way that kiss made me feel. Later that night we danced at a place in AstroWorld called Videocity and held hands the rest of the night. When it was time to leave we said our goodbyes and kissed. I was so caught up in the moment that I never asked her for her phone number and I never saw her again. Every summer we went back to AstroWorld I thought of her and that one special day.

Now that I’m an adult there is no break between school years and summer has become just another day in the work world. No more school, but also no more hanging with friends, or riding bikes. Well that is if you have a car to get to work. Being an adult means leaving all the fun of summer behind and getting a job, so that you can become a strong contributor to our great society, and provide the means necessary to help support our great government. Well that’s what my father used to say. Don’t get me wrong I still enjoy the summer, just not like I did growing up, at least, until now. For over twenty years I have been a contributor to our economy and now due to the lack there of, I have been subjected to the pitfalls derived from miss-calculations and unforeseen circumstances. In other words, I was laid off this year for the first time in my life.

It just so happened that it was also the end of the school year for our two children ages 9 and 6. So with much thought and consideration, my wife and I decided, I would stay home with the kids this summer, rather than bear the expense of a summer program. Well the summer is almost over and even though me and the kids have not done much as far as going far-out places we have enjoyed no school, riding bikes, and sleeping late. I put in sleeping late because that’s something else I hadn’t done in a long time. But most of all, we have enjoyed each other. Spending this kind of quality time with my children has been the best experience I have ever had, and by far the best summer I have had in my lifetime.

Next summer I will more than likely have a job, but if things go well I will take a few days off from work to rekindle the fun times I had with my children. There will be no school, we will ride our bikes, and maybe even go to some far-off place. As you can see, for me there is a strong love for summer and I wish it would never end, but now I realize that looking forward to the next summer is also part of the fun. So bring on the autumn wind, and the winter wind, I know they will go flying by. And I will look forward to the nights that never end, to spend time with my children and of course my fickle friend, the summer wind!

A Ménage à trois

There is something I realized, that has presented itself in a way that would seem like an epiphany. Yet after all these years I still refuse. Last night I had a dream, (what a way to start huh?) for real though, I had a dream. I was looking at a movie, not sure how the movie ended because I woke up, but I do remember that it was a good movie.

The whole reason for me mentioning this, is that I have a lot of dreams like this. It’s like I have my own movie theater in my head. So when I sleep, the lights are dimmed, the seat is comfy and the show begins. Sometimes I remember the movie, sometimes I forget, sometimes I’m even in the movies, but mostly I watch. So why is it that I do not write some of these blockbusters down? Well as you can tell by my blog, I am not that big on writing or typing anything down. It takes a lot for me to get inspired to write, I basically have to be pushed in. And so PUSH!!! Here I go.

This epiphany has nothing to do with me. The sudden realization is, that my wife of 13 years is having an affair. This affair has been going on long before we met and doesn’t look like it’s going to end either. I feel like there’s nothing I can do but observe from afar. I know it sounds perverted, but what else is there? I love her. I only want the best for her. If only I could find a way to pull her hands away from him, to gently place my hand on her chin and tilt her head so as to see only me. I feel as if there is no hope for me.

Unless… what if I were to involve myself? What if, I was to convince her that, even though I have found out, it’s ok, and then instead of watching, join in? Become a part of what takes her away from me, so that I can understand her needs, her desire, her love. I know I have what it would take to be involved but the question is, will she let me in. will she let me into that part of her life that steals her soul away to a place of ecstasy and satisfaction?

And the journey begins. I will no longer stand aside and watch my wife go to places that only she can see. I will no longer stare at her in hopes she will return. I will no longer hold her only to see how much she thinks of him. I will involve myself! I will become a writer! I will write every day even if it’s simply to inscribe the feeling of my moment.

So that when you see us you will know that we are involved in a ménage à trois of sadistic satire, a lamentation of loss, and a surreal life of literature that has a look beyond infinity. One day, if I try hard enough, she will let me in, and when this happens my dreams will come true. The movies in my head will find a place, and I for my part, will be in mine.

Unemployed

Sorry for the long pause of uncertainty! Loida was almost right about me not being able to keep a blog, but here I am. You see, about a month ago, I was “let go” from my job. Now, it wasn’t that I was all depressed that I couldn’t write, or emotionally just not here and needing to get myself together again. Being depressed is not my thing, and as far as emotionally, I’m a MAN!! We don’t get all emotional about stuff like that; we pick ourselves up and keep on moving. Our emotions are reserved for stuff like our children being born, or our mom’s dying, or movies like “Brave Heart.” FREEEEDOM!!!!! Oops, sorry about that. I really like that movie! Seriously, I was simply reflecting on recent past, present, and future.

The recent past. Well, let me start by saying that being unemployed is the best thing that’s happened to me in a while. I was a manager of a quite interesting warehouse, wholesale distribution of holistic dog and cat foods. My job entailed all the familiar duties of managing a food distribution warehouse, keeping warehouse clean, unloading trucks, in-bounding and stocking product, making deliveries when necessary, what?? You mean most warehouse managers DON’T do those duties? Well in a small company you do, along with damage reports, rotation schedules, disciplinary actions, and meetings with owner. Yes, it looks like I was more of just a glorified warehouse worker than a manager. Add to that an owner that questioned everything, waited to the last minute to make a decision, and never said anything about what kind of a job you were doing either good or bad, until it’s too late… hence the unemployment.

I’m sure if I had more input on my output, the results would have been great, but life is filled with “would have been”, and I can’t look at my past like that. The company I worked for is a good company, it has good potential, and I my wishes are nothing but the best for it. You will be missed.

That being said, I have not had a full week off from work in over 10 years!! With the exception of an occasional knee surgery (witch I don’t count because I was injured and couldn’t do anything fun). We have decided that I would take my time and really look for a job that fits the criteria established: not only to increase the productivity of a company, but one that also unlocks my full potential as an employee. (Hmm, I think I’ll use that in my resume) and in the process I would stay home with the children instead of sending them to a daycare. This would help us cut the cost, due to the lack of income being made by me at the moment. Well that and unemployment checks. Thank God for our government? That just doesn’t sound right to me, but oh well, thanks to the governmental system that has been established, I can collect a supplemental payment of the money I made while I look for a new job. That’s right people! I’m a “house husband”, or as my kids like to put it, they are at “daddy camp”. And so comes my present state of life.

The present is to come….

I'm Coming Out Part Deux

Being from a family four brothers, no sisters, and a strong mother, one of us had to pick up her tenacity in the kitchen. I would love to help my mom cook and bake. The results, I can cook better than most women, and bake the best cakes you will ever taste.

It doesn’t end there. My mom also wanted some cultural diversity in our lives, so again she insisted that we attend the opera, and symphony on a regular basis. Now this is where I fell in love with music. Tchaikovsky opened up a vault in my mind that has yet to be closed, and I doubt it ever will. My genre of music includes the likes of Benny Goodman, Ella Fitzgerald all the way over to songs from Metallica. But when you look at my favorites you tend to see a slight pattern, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, Joy Division, Boy George, The Cure… I’ll stop there.

Something else most people don’t know about me is that I was a gymnast, and being a gymnast, I also took ballet classes for my flexibility. So there you go, music preference check, cooking and baking check, ballet check, what else? Oh yes! There’s the art school I attended. There I would develop all types of artistic talents. From oil, pastels, water color, and charcoal to art history, color coordination, and basket weaving. Yes friends I can do macramé! I can also decorate and arrange flowers.

So now let’s recap, Listening to The Smiths (Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me), baking a wonderful black peppered crusted salmon with asparagus and white wine, Crème Brule for desert, as the artists fill the ambiance with colors and creativity. Does this sound like a man with a strong feminine side? “Gay?” Well not really, not to me.

To me it sounds like a man that has an awesome mother, a mom that cares so much for her children that her likeness was imposed on a man, me. And for that I will continue to be who I am. A person, who can listen, learn, and create, all while loving life. If all this entails that I am gay, then so be it. But if you ask me I will tell you, “Sorry, I am NOT gay.”

I'm coming out!!

That’s right friends I’m coming out of the closet! And you will hear it first. I AM NOT GAY!! Well I’m sure that's what most people who know me, already know. What they don’t know is that “sorry I’m not gay” is what I have had to say for a long time.

It started when I was about 22 years old, well ok longer than that, but when It started me questioning myself. I was 22, and was invited to a party by a co-worker who had a brother that is gay. The beer and dancing went on all night long. When the party ended I offered to stay and help clean up. This is where it gets steamy!! Ha ha, jk. But after we finished cleaning, me my friend and his brother stayed up later just talking, soon my friend would go to bed and it was just me and the brother. Sounds like a story right? But I tell you I’m not making this up. I couldn’t even if I tried.

Well we stayed up all night just talking about all sorts of subjects. When I looked out the window, and saw that the sun was coming up. I told him that I really have to go, and that I had a great time hanging out with him. His first reply, was for me to just admit it. Admit what? I asked. Admit that you’re gay he said. What? Me gay? Sorry bro. I’m not gay. Just because I enjoyed your company, talked about fun stuff, and drank with you till the sun came up doesn’t mean that I’m gay. His response, no, not that, although it was nice. It’s just that, the things you talked about, the things you like, they're all qualities that most gay men have. What!! Gay qualities????

I had no idea that the things I liked and appreciated were considered gay. I was oblivious to this, and so the years went by and “sorry, I’m not gay” was something I said regularly. So, now I know the next question you might want to know. What are these qualities?

Well again I have to go years back. Stay tuned..